You’re Allowed to Outgrow What You Worked Hard to Build: How to Know When It’s Time for a Change
Here’s the scenario. You spent years building a career, or investing in a relationship, or creating a life, only to realize one day, “I’ve outgrown this, and it no longer brings me joy.”
The first thought that comes to mind may be, “Why did I put so much time and energy into this thing that now no longer serves me, my goals, or my life?” But let me assure you: outgrowing something big in your life doesn’t mean building it was a big mistake.
It means that you did exactly what you needed to do during that time in your life, and the thing you’ve created or invested in was exactly what you needed at the time. You’re just in a new chapter of your life now and need to grow with it, instead of forcing yourself into a mold that no longer fits your goals, needs, and dreams.
Growth isn’t easy. That’s why so many people live a life that’s mediocre, rather than amazing. But if you can get comfortable with uncomfortability, you just might grow into a life that’s truly fulfilling.
Why We Have Such a Hard Time Letting Go of Things We Worked For
It’s not always the hard or bad things in life that make it difficult to move forward and become the version of yourself you are now. Sometimes it’s the good or comfortable things that just aren’t right for you anymore that are much harder to move on from.
The hardest pill to swallow is the one that reminds you this life you created, business you built, relationship you invested in, or place you moved to was absolutely intentional. You wanted to be here. You did it on purpose. And hooray for you! But the version of you that’s now developed from this current situation isn’t the you that you’re becoming.
I get it. I’ve been there. And intentional change is hard. Here are a few things that might come to mind as you wrestle with how to move on from a life you’ve outgrown.
But I’ve Put So Much Into This…
You have probably said to yourself a few times now, “But I’ve sunk so much into this! How can I possibly give it up?” It’s true. You have invested a lot of time, energy, money- the list goes on. But remember when you were ten years old, and you had that special blankie you slept with every night, and there was no way you could ever give it up? Well, do you still sleep with your “bubbie”? If you do, we need to have another conversation, but you probably don’t. You outgrew it just like you’ve outgrown your life now!
Sunk cost thinking sounds terrible because it is! If you were never to buy another pair of shoes again because you bought one pair of shoes, what would happen to your feet?
Letting yourself stay in something that you’ve outgrown is like wearing the same pair of shoes for the rest of your life, even if they’re too small, and have holes in the sides.
But I’m Afraid of Disappointing Others…
It’s wild that I even need to write a section about being afraid of disappointing others when it comes to your life and your happiness. And yet, being a recovering people-pleasing doormat myself, it’s with all the love in my heart that I say to you: trying to avoid disappointing other people, and allowing that fear to dictate whether or not you work to move forward when you’ve outgrown something in your life, is the quickest way to end up depressed, resentful, apathetic, and disappointed in yourself.
The wisest thing anyone ever said to me was this:
“You can either do the hard work now, or you can do it later. Either way, you’re going to have to do it.”
Man, that hit home. Life doesn’t wait for you or anyone else to be ready for the growth you are currently experiencing. You can either ride the current downstream and possibly hit a few rocks along the way, or fight it upstream and hit every rock. You’re the one who’s outgrown your life, so take that fear of disappointing others and let it go. Because if you’re doing “growth” right, you’re inevitably going to disappoint someone. But that shouldn’t be the thing to hold you back.
But I’ve worked my whole life for this…
I’m not going to lie, changing life because you’ve outgrown it isn’t all fun, and there's no grief. When you’ve invested years in a career or a relationship, it’s painful to think about walking away. When you are receiving all kinds of praise and accolades for “how far you’ve come,” or how “happy you must be because you’ve gotten to this point,” yet you don’t feel happy, it’s a real mind game. You know you should be happy; you know everyone is telling you that you’re so lucky, but you’ve outgrown this thing that has dominated your life, and you’re ready to move on.
And let me tell you, there will always be people who don’t understand or think you are making a mistake. But you have to ask yourself, “If I get to the end of my life, and this is as good as it gets, will I wish I had just taken the leap? Will I feel like I’ve led a fulfilling life?
Here’s what you know: You know where you are now. You know what it feels like, looks like, and sounds like. You can always come back to this.
Here’s what you don’t know: You don’t know how amazing it could be if you allow yourself to grow and change. You don’t know what miracles and serendipity are in store for you. And yes, you might regret your big life changes…But I have a sneaking suspicion you won’t.
You Can Be Grateful for Something and Still Outgrow It
I don’t know about you, but I often think it’s easy to default to black-and-white perspectives on things. It’s either that everything is terrible and falling apart, or that everything is great and peachy, and therefore, how could you possibly desire a change?
But the older I get, the more experiences I move through, the more I realize something that may be a game-changer for you right now.
Two feelings can exist at the same time. You can be equally happy for the experience you have had, and the job, lifestyle, or relationship you have created. You can know it was good for you and, at one time, probably all you wanted or needed. You can feel all of that, and also accept the realization that you don’t want it anymore.
You need to grow, and you're ready. And whatever it is that you’re having to leave behind is going to be okay. Just because you’re ready to leave something and move on to the next phase of your life and who you are, doesn’t mean the time, energy, and experience were wasted. It probably got you to where you are now, am I right?
And there are things that have changed you, and once you see that part of yourself, you can’t unsee it. Which is why you’ve outgrown it, and that doesn’t invalidate everything you did before, or what you will do after this moment.
Signs You May Have Outgrown Something
Perhaps you’re not sure if you’ve actually outgrown your life, or if it’s just a dip in confidence, or some other reason that will pass. I get it. I’ve been there. Second-guessing my decisions or feelings sometimes feels like my ultimate personality trait. But because I can waffle on what to do next, over the years I’ve developed some key signs that usually show up when I reach a juncture in my life where I’ve outgrown something.
You're succeeding, but feel strangely disconnected from the success.
You're staying primarily because you've already invested so much.
Your priorities have changed.
You keep fantasizing about a different version of your life.
Something that once energized you now consistently drains you.
You're making decisions based on who you used to be.
You're more afraid of explaining a change than actually making one.
You keep asking yourself, "Is this really what I want for the next five years?"
Obviously, you don’t want to burn your life down because you’re having a bad week or a difficult month. There are times when you just need to rest, or push through, or it’s just not your month.
But if it’s really time to change your life, you will know, because the feeling or question will keep coming back.
You Don't Have to Blow Up Your Life to Change It
Okay, I know you know you’ve outgrown your life. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to sell your house, quit your job, and move to some exotic island. Although for a few of us, that might be the exact thing we need to do.
Remember when you were a kid, and you’d know your shoes were getting a little too small, but it took time to get new ones, right? They probably felt a little tight at first, and then slowly got more confining.
Growing into something new in your life can be similar. You can evolve before you take the full leap. But what does that look like?
Here are a few ways you can experiment with changing your life, while still living the one you’re in:
Reduce something - If it’s dominating your life and your time in a way that doesn’t feel good, try slowly doing less and less of it.
Delegate some things - If someone else can do it, let them!
Start the new thing on the side - It’s true, we only have limited time in our days, but sometimes, if you’re passionate about something, it’s empowering to start it on the side.
Take a class - Sometimes the best way to change your life is to learn something new.
Change how you're living or working instead of what you're doing - a few changes in schedule, focus, or lifestyle can often go a long way.
Have the conversation you've been avoiding - Just rip off that band-aid. It can’t make it worse than it already is, and you’ll learn a lot.
Ask Yourself: What Would I Choose If I Were Starting From Today?
Starting can sometimes be the hardest thing. But thinking through what and how you would start today, with no baggage or barriers, can make your decisions a lot easier.
Clarifying the decisions and starting points is the hard part. Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to make it easier.
What do I want more of?
What do I want less of?
What am I doing because I genuinely want it?
What am I doing because I've become the person everyone expects to do it?
What am I afraid will happen if I change?
What would I try if I didn't have to justify it to anyone?
Starting Again Isn't the Same as Starting Over
Remember, through this transformation, that when you start over, it doesn’t erase all of the experience you have gained or accomplishments you’ve made. You take those wonderful assets, wisdoms, and learnings with you – and you what? It will only make you that much more capable and strong in this new life you are building.
What you learned in that career, or since becoming a mother, or after the diagnosis has shaped you.
Whatever comes next was created by the person you were, and will be brought into being by who you’re becoming now. It’s all part of the journey, the end-goal, whatever you want to call it – it’s all part of you, and it’s beautiful.
Maybe It Wasn't Supposed to Last Forever
Here’s a fun question: What if we’re always outgrowing our life?
What if we’re always supposed to keep noticing, working on, and manifesting who we’re becoming? I mean, it kind of makes sense, right? You can’t possibly be the same “you” at 35 that you were at 25, and you are most likely not going to be the same person at 45 that you were a decade ago. That’s a spectacular, hard, and rewarding part of life. And as soon as you start to embrace the ever-growing part of yourself that is pushing you out of your comfort zone now, you’ll be ready to blossom into the “you” you are becoming.
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